...to admit that i do, i do miss you.

the idea that i had of you. the promise of the future that you seemed to have.
i do. i do miss you, the way you say my name.
i do. i do miss the way it used to feel in your arms.
i do. i miss you.

am i really over you?

i was having a conversation earlier with my officemates, and it went to a topic that has been bothering me for quite sometime now. But this time, i chose not to voice out my thoughts and kept them locked in my head. I just cant help but write about it now because someone voiced them out earlier...

the very same thoughts that have been making me want to hit myself on the head for not being smarter. For not knowing my worth and for selling my self short (again). No, i didn't do anything dumb lately. (yey!) this is in retrospect. I know i should forgive myself for past mistakes. But somewhere deep inside me i can't help but tell myself that i should have known better. I should have trusted my instincts and i shouldn't have been so wreckless.

somehow, a mistake i did a many months ago. I am still paying for it now. I have forgiven the people involved but i am still punishing myself for being dumb enough to latch on the bait. bleh.

I think this is the last step, i must learn to forgive myself for letting myself make that mistake. I have to stop sweeping it under the rug and just forgive myself. Maybe when that happens i wont be so scared to take risks again. Then maybe I'll venture farther than the boundaries of my comfort zone.

funny, funny Lord. As I am writing this rant of mine..Matthew West's song "Only Grace" starts playing on my iPod. Again, God's timing is impeccable. :)

There is victory in Him. He won't allow me to wallow in my pity party...:)

"Only Grace" by Matthew West
From the album "History"

There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday…has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace

You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun

An' there's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me…it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace…

And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, get back up
Get back up again
Ohh…get…back…up…again…


There's only grace…
There's only love…
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only…there's only…grace…

There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only…grace……
So get back up…get back up again…
Get back up again.

ok now i've said my piece, i can go back to writing my paper.

how many times do i have to say it!?
how many times do i have to turn you down before you get the picture!?
how many times do i have tell you its not going to happen!?

its one of those days, something that happened way back 2004(?) sheesh i dont even remember when it happened. i read Her blog again out of boredom. sheesh, i felt the pain and the humiliation once again.

i know i've moved on. i know i dont love him anymore but have i really forgiven him?
im not quite sure.

i am thankful that He is out of my life. I am thankful that i am where i am. i Am thankful.

i just wish i would learn to not be bothered by certain things. oh well.

i had dinner with my friends last night and it dawned on me that in our group, i'm the only female who has not experienced or is experiencing the joy of motherhood and being pregnant.

again i am reminded that my body-clock is ticking today i feel the desperation that i might be running out of time. hay sucks. just plain sucks.

there are so many things i have to do, but i just can't seem to concentrate on anything. my minds wandering on its own. things that could have been, things that were not meant to be. i guess what i'm trying to say is that after all this time, i stil miss you.i know in my heart that you're happy and that you've moved on. i know in my heart that you're no longer and never have pined over me. i dont know. i thought all this time i was already over you. i dont understand how this is happening. maybe because im stressed. hay.

its been almost a year, but i guess what i really should be saying is that i should go on with my life with out you.